As this post suggests, I have decided to start blogging again, at least for the time being and possibly intermittently (depending, among other things, on internet connections as I’m presently living in a tent in the middle of nowhere a relatively isolated area – there is no middle of nowhere in the Netherlands! – and need to investigate whether I can afford mobile internet). But there are things that I keep coming across, books that I’ve read that I want to mention, quotes that have accumulated – and I generally need to find a disciplined framework to force, or at least encourage, myself to write. I’ve been thinking this for a while, but am finally starting again as, as any earlier readers who may still see this will hopefully appreciate, the event described in the following post is something I could hardly pass over in silence. (Okay, so I’ve acquired another favourite theologian in the meantime, but that is another story).
While this blog was never intended to be a personal journal neither was it anonymous in that I was quite open about who I was. I was also aware (and one of my readers once commented on this) that my writing had a personal tone and was self-revealing. Given this, it seems impossible to start blogging again without saying something about what has happened in my life in the past year.
My reason for suspending my blog in the last post was because I was about to be leaving my monastery in order to become Orthodox. Much has happened in the past year and I don’t intend talking about it all in public. Suffice it to say that it has not been an easy time, that I had second thoughts, that I realised that there had been a lot more going on than I originally imagined, that it has been a painful process, but also that there has been great relief and joy and that God has been very good to me, not least in the people He has sent to help me.
Needless to say, this has been a rather disruptive process. I had originally thought that I would simply have to find an Orthodox monastery, but it eventually became clear that there is simply too much to work through at once and that I need to find a certain stability before I can make long-term decisions. And so I am now in the process of trying to negotiate some of the practical challenges of finding a way to get settled, at least for a while, which is complicated by being in a foreign country. While I may well think of going back to South Africa in the future, if I am able to I would like to stay in Europe for a while in order to get more of an Orthodox formation, visit more Orthodox monasteries etc. I do have tentative plans which may come together in a couple of months’ time (and I’ll say more about that then) but for the time being I’m living in a tent (which I’ve dedicated to Saint Moses the Ethiopian – I told him that if he found me a room I’d dedicate it to him and when I got offered a tent realised that I couldn’t complain as he probably hadn’t had much more. It’s just as well I didn’t ask Saint Mary of Egypt!) and am doing odd bits of work and, well, it’s all a rather interesting new experience!
I am sharing this here as it would be rather difficult to simply start blogging again without saying anything as at the very least I would have had to change my “About” page. But I don’t intend to focus on it and certainly don’t intend getting into any polemical discussions – and I may as well warn you that triumphalistic Orthodox make me want to run a mile! Breaking communion (which I have not yet done) is not something that I will do lightly or without pain in my heart. At a future stage I may try and write more about some of my reasons for taking this step, and about dynamics in the Catholic Church, if I am able to do so in an irenic spirit, for these are things that I have reflected on much recently and about which I feel deeply. I have also been privileged to meet some outstanding Catholics (and some outstanding Orthodox) in this last year – and I think here particularly of the monastic community in Bose where I spent three months – but in the final analysis I could not live with the contradictions involved and had to follow where God led me.
All this to say that I’ll hopefully be blogging again. And I would of course value your prayers.
May 29, 2010 at 7:59 pm
Hooray, you’re back! What a surprising story, to say the least. My prayers are with you.
May 29, 2010 at 9:55 pm
Many thanks! And the prayers are appreciated.
May 29, 2010 at 8:06 pm
Welcome back, my dear Sr Macrina! I was astonished and pleased to see that you are blogging again. I am interested to hear more about the current state of your journey. I’d also love to start getting comments from you once again on my own blog!
Is that you talking to Fr Louth in the photo, or is it a shot you took of someone else?
May 29, 2010 at 9:57 pm
Thanks Aaron. I feel a bit bad as I’ve been intending to email you (and a couple of other people as well who might read this). Will do so soon.
And, yes, it is me.
May 29, 2010 at 8:22 pm
[…] pm by Andrea Elizabeth Though now her by-line just says Macrina. I appreciate the very surprising explanation of her absence and her helpful summary of Fr. Louth’s talk that I am in the middle of. She has been […]
May 29, 2010 at 10:17 pm
Mazl tov on becoming Orthodox and, yes, being an Orthodox nun is never as simple as finding a monastery. Well, perhaps never is a harsh word, but somehow it isn’t simple.
May 30, 2010 at 1:22 am
Welcome back, Sister. It is an absolute blessing to see you back online!
May 30, 2010 at 2:43 am
Transition and disruption…you will find your way in the Lord’s timing. You are it seems experiencing what amounts to the pain of divorce. You will find healing. The peace of the Lord be with you.
May 30, 2010 at 4:04 am
I had kept my bookmark for your blog in the vain hope you would be back some day. And here you are. With a suprising twist.
I am Orthodox but I can’t help but feel sad to hear your news. My prayers for you, for those you leave behind and for those who walk with you now.
May 31, 2010 at 4:05 am
Welcome back, Macrina! I’ll remember you in my prayers, such as they are. I’ll also add you to the list we go through at Paraklisis to the Theotokos. She is a mighty help!
May 31, 2010 at 5:26 pm
Thanks, everyone. Yes, it’s sad (in more ways than one) and unsettling, but also grace-filled. And the prayers are appreciated.
May 31, 2010 at 9:33 pm
Listen closely to the voice of the Lord as you continue to discern your path.
I have also traveled this path from Catholic to Orthodox, and for me it was important, in the end, to believe that I was not actually breaking a communion, but going deeper into communion. It wasn’t terribly easy to reach that point, however. Prayers for the journey.
June 1, 2010 at 12:13 am
Welcome back. You’ve been missed.
+FrG
June 6, 2010 at 6:51 pm
[…] in case you didn’t already know, Sr. Macrina is back. Shame on me for not keeping my subscription to her blog in Google Reader, but perhaps this […]
June 13, 2010 at 7:07 am
Just learned via Wan Wei Hsien’s weblog that you were back online – this was very welcome news from my perspective, and I’m looking forward to reading more of your new posts. Please know of my prayers and good wishes for you in this time of transition.
June 28, 2010 at 3:07 am
I just checked your blog (which I have kept on my blogroll as a valued resource) and am very happy to discover your return to blogging! My prayers are with you in this time of transition.
July 9, 2010 at 11:00 pm
I am deeply Roman Catholic, but have always been drawn to the Philokalia, and the writings of the saints of the Orthodox Church.
One of my favorite books is: The Spiritual Psalter.
I’ll have to stop by your blog now and then.
Peace+
July 29, 2010 at 12:03 am
I too made such a transition this past year. It is deeply wrenching, partly as one is entering another culture in some ways, but also in leaving behind so much that is fraught with pain as well:
http://tpmcafe.talkingpointsmemo.com/talk/blogs/t/h/therap/2010/04/one-foot—stuck-in-the-muck.php
When the Orthodox talk about the “fullness” of the faith (in Orthodoxy) I honestly must say that’s how it feels to me. It has been a profound shift – it continues to be – in which one truly is overcome, as I have been, with a combination of feeling overwhelmed by God’s mercy while at the same time being more aware than I’ve EVER been of how undeserving I am of that mercy.
Peace be with you.
July 31, 2010 at 4:27 pm
TheraP,
A belated thanks! I can identify with some of what you write about…
July 30, 2010 at 5:42 am
I am so moved by your blog. My dearest friend who introduced me to Orthodoxy ( I also was RC.) is a former Cistercian nun from New Brunswick, now an Orthodox nun and almost hermit.
It was for me a difficult transition – I didn’t realize the incredible internal shift that would have to take place. I have been officially Orthodox now since 1987 and finally think that I may actually
be coming Orthodox in my heart.
Comment #16 from TheraP says far better than I could exactly what I have come to know –
May the Lord be with you at this time.
Glory to God for All Things!
July 31, 2010 at 4:29 pm
Maureen,
Also, belated, but thanks! I’m fascinated to hear of your friend. And, yes, the transition stuff is sometimes surprising and sometimes not … there are somehow so many factors involved!